Indian men really do lead the life of Reilly. Well, a good deal of them do, anyway. Cosseted and pampered by doting mothers up until they complete their education, when it comes to finding a bride, they leave that to their parents too. Forget all that messy stuff about boy meets girl, boy buys girl flowers, sends text messages, buys chocolates, takes to cinema, buys more flowers, sends more texts, asks girl to take HIV test... oh, the list goes on. No, just stick an ad' in the paper.
It's high time I passed comment on the matrimonial ads' in the papers so here goes. First there's the Boy seeks Girl section (huge numbers of desperados subdivided by caste and/or religion and/or geographical region) and then there's the Girl seeks Boy section (fewer prospects but with the same sub-divisions).
I suppose the first thing to say is that at times you could be forgiven for thinking you were in Scandinavia rather than dusky India (let alone dark Dravidian south India). Most of the indivduals are described as either "wheatish" or "fair" which reflects, I feel, not only a rather sad state of affairs, but also many Indians' perceptions that a white skin is more attractive than a dark one. I personally disagree, but then I'm a whitey, and you only have to walk along the beauty products counters in supermarkets to see what a huge market the skin-lightening industry has become. There's an advert currently playing on TV where a forlorn Priyanka Chopra sits dabbing her face with skin-lightener in the hope that Saif Ali Kahn will ditch his latest squeeze and come back to her. Priyanka, stop it. You look great as you are and if you carry on that way you'll end up looking like Michael Jackson.
This advert (one of many) appeared within a yellow box in The Times of India at the weekend.
Wanted Beautiful
educated homely
Girl aged 30-35 yrs
from respectable
family for a good
looking Agarwal
boy, issueless,
innocent divorcee
39 / 5'4" / Graduate
(looks younger)
well settled in Chennai
belonging to a
highly respectable
North Indian business
family.
E-mail BioData &
Photo (Must) to:
This innocent divorcee (yeah, right), a youthful 39 (so he's in his forties), is a little short at 5' 4'' (but almost certainly looks taller) and seeks a life partner. Under 29s and over 35s need not apply. However, if you're not excluded by age, have the looks of a goddess, and brains which you're prepared to put into cold storage while you dust his house and make small talk with his boring family, then you could be the girl of his dreams (provided you come from a respectable family of course). It's like when I buy fruit from a roadside vendor and I ask - and always kick myself for asking - "these mangoes, they're sweet are they?" And what does the vendor say? "Oh sweet, very sweet sir, lovely and sweet." One of these days I'm going to meet an honest man who says, "Nah mate, these are shit. 'Orrible tasting mangoes these are. If I were you I'd box my ears and go and buy some from Sanjay down the road; now his mangoes are lovely and sweet." Of course she's going to come from a respectable family, goddammit!
All I can say is, no wonder the advertiser felt the need for a yellow box. If I were in his shoes I would also have added another line: "free sari for every applicant - while stocks last - terms and conditions apply."
Oh, and another thing to point out is that there always seems to be a predominance of Brahmins looking for alliances. Now the sceptics amongst us might think that, OK, if you're from the elite caste, finding a match should be child's play shouldn't it? Apparently not because the matrimonial pages are littered with Brahmins, and if the text below, taken form another box advert, is anything to go by, they're a picky bunch.
Rajasthani Gaur
Brahmin
South Delhi based
Business family
Settled in Delhi
Invites
Matrimonial
proposal
For their daughter
Fair, slim,
beautiful,
charming...
Doing her own
export business...
Again, come on love. If you're so beautiful, successful, slim (and fair of course) and running your own export business at the tender age of 24 or 25, how is it that you haven't been snapped up long ago?
Sorry Miss Fussy, but all the handsome, cultured, top class, well educated, professional businessmen met their girlfriends at the local nightclub or on social outings with friends. Besides, they're too busy with work to read matrimonial ads. Don't despair though, there's a short-arsed north Indian businessman in Chennai who I might be able to persuade, if only he'll be a little flexible on age and location. Leave it with me, I'll get right back to you.
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